but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
