were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
