i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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