You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
