My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
