Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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