dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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