Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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