Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
