Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
