I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
