Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
