WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There r osticjed everywhere
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
