what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
