My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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