drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
