I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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