: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
