you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We just shotgunned beers for America
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
