he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
