I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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