I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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