you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
