I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
