my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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