Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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