how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
