Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
