I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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