Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
sex in a hospital.. check
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
