Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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