I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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