does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
