Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
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I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think my moral compass just broke
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