Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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