everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
