I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
