saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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