I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
