The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
