You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
