I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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