Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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