just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
