boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
