It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
