How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
