Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
