yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
