i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
