why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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