Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
