woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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