i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
