ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
