I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
